PART III~FINAL

                      

Yes, you will experience shock, sadness, anger, hurt, happiness, joy, and darn near every other emotion you possess during the time the person you love is in a nursing home. All of your emotions will be tapped. Sometimes numerous ones in the course of a single visit.

 

A nursing home is not solely a place for the elderly. That is a misconception. Today, hospitals are sending patients there to recover from various surgeries when they are not quite able yet to return to their homes. I recall one patient who was a doctor himself. His leg had been amputated, and he had no one at home to help him during the recovery and physical therapy. He was about 50 years old. He was an interesting fellow. I used to sit with him in the lounge when Daddy was getting bathed. We discussed all sorts of health situations. He was the one who told me specifically how doctors often assist in suicides of the terminally ill, but they do it in a way that is legal and cannot actually be "pinned" on them. Then there was a patient who was but in his early thirties and suffering from a particularly vicious form of Lou Gehrig's disease. That was a crusher. He had tiny children. He was so very young to have lost his ability to move or speak. To know death was imminent for someone his age was extremely upsetting.

 

There are some disturbing things you will encounter there, and it makes no difference if you are in a topnotch facility or one of the lesser ones. Alzheimer's patients are common. The various stages of it bring about different symptoms, some of which are frightening to visitors or fellow patients. They roam a lot. When they wander, they will go into other patients' rooms. For someone who is trapped in a bed unable to move, it is disconcerting to have a patient come in and start picking up their belongings and perhaps walking out still holding onto those things. Daddy's glasses were taken off the tray table by such a patient. He got them back the next day when they were located in another room. It upset all of us. Enough so that we discussed it with the staff. To deter "surprise" visitors to his room, a bright yellow wide strip of vinyl with Velcro at the ends was put across the entrance to his room (and on which I penned in black magic marker, "POLICE LINE, DO NOT CROSS. Just Kidding! Come on in!"). Regular visitors could easily remove one end and enter, but it did work to keep out the wanderers. You will hear cries for help pour out of some rooms. As you walk down a hall, some may beg you to come into their rooms. Yes, I would go in. How can you NOT? Usually, it was a simple request to please cover them with their blankets or pour them some more water. For God's sake, DO IT...help them. How would you like it if you were the one shivering in that bed?

 

Some patients are notorious strippers no matter where they may be. I do not know why this is the case, but they drop their skirts, pull down their pants, or lift up their shirts. The staff always quickly and kindly told them it was best to keep their garments in position. (And why do I have a feeling I will be one of those stripper patients when my time comes?! :;grin::) Some clutch teddy bears or dolls to them. Others have no clue where they are or even if they exist. They sit back in their wheelchairs with the blankest of expressions on their faces, and you can only wonder what, if anything, they are thinking. They never speak. They never move. Their eyes do not track anything. They are trapped inside themselves. To get those residents out of their rooms, the nurses and aides would often bring them out to the nurse's station. I would go there to ask a question or get something, and there would be a semicircle of those poor souls sitting lifelessly. If I said it to the nurses once, I said it a thousand times, "God should sweep all of these people up and take them directly to Heaven. They have earned the right." Geez, it used to rip me up seeing lives spent incapable of doing ANYTHING.

 

Ah, but there are the moments you beam. When you watch a physical therapy session, and you see a tentative step taken for the first time. Or when speech returns to one who had been silent or unintelligible for a period of time. There are the victories celebrated when a patient recovering from a broken hip gets to leave the facility and return to his home. There are the smiles and giggles when a resident has created a holiday decoration during a craft session and is proud of that accomplishment. The chatter you hear coming from one of the gathering places because the residents are talking about a TV show or sporting event they are viewing. There are the times a patient in the hallway takes your hand and tells you how sweet you are and how you have always been so nice to them. The gratitude visible in the eyes of those who appreciate the smallest of deeds done for them. The sharing of memories with patients whoare strangers, but who just do not seem like strangers after seeing them in the home day after day.

 

There are some things you can do to make your loved one's stay be a better one. Be their advocate. Make sure you are on top of everything that is going on. Do not be an infrequent visitor. Nothing is more disturbing than to learn there are patients who never have visitors, yet they have family living nearby. LISTEN to what you are being told. Let them talk as much as they want. Loneliness is brutal, and a visitor is a very bright spot to days that usually blend one into the other with little change. Do not be a lazy visitor. Help the staff in ways that free them up to tend to the more pressing matters. I knew of a visitor who came to see her mother (sporadically, and she complained constantly about anything and everything), and she actually pushed the call button for an aide to come and LIFT THE BLANKET UP HIGHER ON HER MOTHER'S BODY. Can you imagine? ::shaking my head in disgust:: Find out where the blankets and additional sheets and pillowcases are stored, and get them yourself. There is no reason you cannot grab a blanket if your family member is cold. As long as the staff does not mind you helping yourself, then DO IT. I used to fret when I thought Daddy might be running a fever, but it was not time for the set readings of his blood pressure, temp, etc. So, I would go to the nurse's station and ask to borrow their electronic thermometer. I was never refused, and I would report back to them what his temp was, and they would record it...and also come to give him medication if he did have a fever. Bring music into the room. We had a nice little CD player loaded with his favorite music. Watching television is monotonous, and music is calming. Flowers or plants brighten a room. So do pictures. We hung paintings and had a bulletin board loaded with photographs and cards the grandchildren made for him. One entire door was covered with photos. Bring a bit of home to the patient's new home. Bring your heart and leave some of it there.

 

“To know how to grow old is the master work of wisdom, and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living." ~Henri Frederic Amiel