THE CHILI COOK-OFF

                                

Saturday we are going to what has become an annual event. A chili cook-off. We have always had such fun, so it is a given we will attend every year.

The place where it is held is very nice. There is a lake with some canoes available for those who wish to test their rowing prowess. Fishing poles are available for anyone interested in trying their luck catching the underwater creatures. The weather is always very cool here at this time of year, so swimming is not an option. Bonfires (aside from the ones raging from the rectums of the guests) are kept blazing to keep everyone warm.

A lovely and large pavilion holds numerous tables and chairs. AND it is where the contestants place their giant pots of chili for the judging. Numerous other food items are on the food tables, ensuring everyone will have plenty to eat.

The judges take their duty quite seriously! I have listened to them discussing in extreme detail the pros and cons of each batch of chili presented for their consideration. Hubby and I won one year. That was funny. I was not expecting it, and I was barely paying attention when the announcement was made. I had to be prodded to stand up.

The absolute best part of the whole event? The people who are there. The host and hostess are the warmest, friendliest, and most enjoyable two people you could ever want to be around. Their humor is excellent. The guests are crazy and fun. It is definitely a good time, and laughter is in abundance. We all need to have that in our lives.

Many jokes are made about it being a CHILI competition. Let me clarify one thing. MEN are the ones who seem to have problems handling the effects of chili on the body. ::chuckle:: Maybe we women are just a little classier about it...or we have bodies better equipped to deal with beans. Whichever it may be, I am pretty certain hubby will not have the pleasure of my naked body next to him in bed tomorrow nite.

There is a joke about a chili cook off that has long cracked me up. The hostess of this event sent it to me a few years ago, and I laughed so hard I cried. I will post it here. Do read it. It is highly amusing. And have a superb weekend, everyone!

                          The Chili Cook-off (PG)

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

* Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

* Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

* Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

* Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled...it's kinda cute.

* Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

* Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

* Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

* Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. FRANK: Momma??!!

 Jesse James (1847-1882) refused to rob a bank in McKinney, Texas, because that is where his favorite chili parlor was located.